Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
