Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I made him laugh his dick is mine
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
