Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
