Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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