Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
