I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
