It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
