Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
