Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
