I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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