I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
