I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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