he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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