Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
