the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
