I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
