Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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