You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
