Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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