Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
