We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
