My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
