I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
