Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
