that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
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Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
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If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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