Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
