you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
