A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize