I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
