We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
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I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
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it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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