3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
