Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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