Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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