I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
