she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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