how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you didnt know i had herpes?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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