How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
