i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
