Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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