Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
