If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i came on her dog
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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