Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
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It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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