do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
