Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
