I murdered the dance floor call the cops
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
