last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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