All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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