Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
