so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
