I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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