Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
