His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
