He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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