Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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