then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hippo gnu deer
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You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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