My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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