i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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