Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
