see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
